How Do You Think I Felt?
by Sleets
Summary: [If you think that life is difficult, try living mine.] Swiftpaw died a death he didn't deserve. A oneshot. Contains a little SwiftpawxBrightpaw.


**Author's Note: **Okay, remember I wrote "Last Feelings" for Swiftpaw? Yeah, that one was quite terrible... I did another Swiftpaw one, with the same style, but much more detailed. Hopefully, it doesn't bore you guys ) I can hear the snores already...

**Disclaimer: **I wish, you wish, we wish, they wish...

Anger...

How does it feel like being an over-sized specimen? How does it feel like looking at the apprentices that are supposed to be yours to mentor? Warriors like Cloudtail… they think they had it all. He can gain sympathy, oh yes he can. He thinks his life is difficult. Everyone thinks his life was difficult. If you think it's difficult, try living mine.

Confusion...

I look at myself in the river. I look the same. It was only the difference of fur or eye color. I still had one head, two ears, four paws, one tail. I look into the river, and wonder how different I am really from Cloudtail. How could Bluestar overlook an older apprentice? I look into the river. Maybe it was those eyes. My green eyes… they look different. Different from Cloudtail's. They look confused.

Hate...

I'm overtrained. It's not as simple as you think, being overtrained. Want to get a taste of what it's like? Try eating a vole, then a rabbit, followed by two squirrels. To top that, pop in an extra helping of bird, and maybe a couple of fishes. When you're done, go another round.

Now you tell me. Would you still want more, or would you get feel like retching? Once you've retched, reputation destroyed, what'll you do? Would you still respect the cats that made you eat…? Or would you hate them?

How do you think I felt?

Determination...

If leading a normal life leads me to nowhere, I suppose I have to do something more. What are they? They're just some dogs who escaped from the Twolegs. Fireheart made it too complicated. Some deputy. Like Longtail said, a kittypet will always be a kittypet. If I can do this right, defeat the dogs with the other apprentices, I can be a warrior.

I'll be doing good too, helping the other apprentices. They don't deserve being held back any more than I do. Once I'm a warrior, I can combat Fireheart. I can make sure he does not deserve his position.

Joy...

It was a façade. When Brightpaw gave a nod of her head, I knew I was lying to myself. I kept telling myself she loves me. Yes, I really thought that she cared. But, however bitter it is, the fact stays. She has always loved Cloudtail, and always will. That was what she told me. But it was okay. To know she cared at least for a good friend, was enough, for now. Once I earn more respect, she'll come back to me. For now, maybe, I'll just indulge in a little lie.

Fear...

This wasn't right. The size was wrong. Dogs weren't supposed to be much bigger than cats. I thought wrong. As soon as the snarls reached my ear, size was no longer priority. It was too late. I couldn't back down now. Fear pulsed through me, reaching into me, making me stone. The dogs' eyes gleamed. The call of my name was the last thing I heard before snarling was the only thing audible.

Hurt...

I thought being an apprentice was easy. I thought loving Brightpaw was natural. I thought going to be a warrior was a matter of time. Once again, I thought wrong. 'Easy', meaning the really difficult type of easy. 'Natural', meaning true but one-sided. 'Matter of time', meaning until the day I died. It hurts. When the dogs tear at my fur, it hurts I wanted to yowl. But it hurts, because I have to keep the yowl in; I was the one who thought wrong. I should be the one to take in that mistake.

Regret...

I already knew I was one who always makes mistakes. Why then, did I make a decision, knowing it would go wrong anyway? The worse thing was the image before me. Brightpaw was yowling in pain. I couldn't hear it, but I felt it. It radiated towards me, entered my heart, and shook it. For once, I was truly remorseful. StarClan, if you could turn back time, I promise I wouldn't do this. I promise I'd go alone. I hated myself. I had been lost in that momentarily happiness that Brightpaw agreed, to remember how much she meant to me.

Betrayal...

StarClan isn't helping at all.

Rememberance...

I had almost forgotten. Amidst my hatred, I had lost sight of who I really love. Longtail was the mentor I could ever ask for. When I was a timid, scared apprentice, he was the one who taught me not to let things get to me. He was my best friend. My mother… she never really conversed with me, but deep inside, she's the closest kin I have. Can I really bear to leave?

Affection...

You never knew how I felt, Brightpaw. I'm sorry. When I'm angry, I'm blind, because I don't see the cats who care. When I'm upset, I'm deaf, because I don't listen to anyone. When I'm in love, I'm mute, because I don't say anything to show I care. My silence… I hope you'll listen to it, Brightpaw.

Loss...

I tried hard to hold on to these things. Too hard. In the end, it's all lost. I lost everything I had, and I lost myself. I can't find either.

Anger  
Confusion  
Hate  
Determination  
Joy  
Fear  
Hurt  
Regret  
Betrayal  
Rememberance  
Affection  
Loss

At least, one thing I hadn't lost was feelings. I could feel. Though, I'd much rather I lost that as well.

In the end, I found StarClan. In there, I met the cats that were lost to ThunderClan. I don't know how I felt. Was I supposed to be happy I found these cats, or was I supposed to be sad I lost those cats?

Then, I felt nothing.

**A/N: **Yay? This definitely beats the previous one... but I don't know how you guys would feel. Review!!! Flames... accepted. Constructive flames, if you must. Advice would be gladly taken.


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